For the Love of Mary by Christopher Meades

Author:Christopher Meades
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: ECW Press
Published: 2016-06-01T04:00:00+00:00

WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE LEARN?

CONVERTING TO PRESBYTERIANISM

DOES NOT MAKE A FAT MAN IN A

RED SUIT CLIMB DOWN YOUR CHIMNEY

22

Jesus vs. Gandhi

At home, someone was cooking pork chops. A big whiff of fried meat wafted through the air when I walked in the front door. It was like smelling a shower fart: pungent, surprising and nearly impossible to escape.

A clang rang out from the garage and then my dad hollered. “Margaret? Is that you?” There was another clang and then the sound of something spilling. “Are you there?”

“It’s me! Mom’s not home yet!” I yelled back.

I followed the smell to the kitchen where Caroline was frying up two enormous pork chops and three strips of bacon. She was wearing her purple sports bra and a pair of spandex shorts and standing as far away from the pan as possible.

“You should put on a shirt,” I said. “One time, I cooked bacon without a shirt on and it kept spitting at me.”

Caroline scrunched her nose. “Maybe the pig in the pan was upset because a lower life form was frying him up.”

I flipped her off, only she didn’t look up from the pan. “Are you wearing running shorts or a girdle?” I said, a little cruelly.

“I’m curious — when you hump a loofah, do you give it a name like Shirley or Rebecca? Or do you prefer the romance to be anonymous?”

“What’s got you in such a bad mood?”

Caroline pointed to the clock on the wall. It was quarter past six. “Mom wasn’t home to cook dinner and all I could find in the freezer was pork chops. I suppose you’re going to want some.”

“No thanks. I had three hot dogs at the protest.”

“Oh God, they’re serving hot dogs there?” she said.

“I hear there might be a mini-donut stand tomorrow. You can say what you want about Mom’s friends, at least they know how to eat.”

“Anyways, don’t call it a protest. They’re not protesting anything. It’s not like Mom’s turned into Gandhi overnight.”

The pan spat at her, and Caroline jumped out of the way.

“What would Gandhi say about your pork chops?” I said.

She put her spatula down. “Pfft, Gandhi. Yeah right, like he went on a hunger strike. The same with Jesus Christ — you know, Mom’s invisible best friend. I don’t believe his BS either. Two thousand years ago, people were like animals. They used to poop in the street. And I’m supposed to believe that everyone listened to the one guy who was all sweetness and light? That’s bull crap. You know what would happen if you put Jesus and Gandhi in the same room? They’d get into a fistfight, a real one with biting and kicking and Gandhi pulling Jesus’s hair, because they’d both want to be in charge. That’s what Mom and Youth Pastor Glenn are like right now. Both of them want to be in charge of what everyone thinks.”

“Is Youth Pastor Glenn running things at the big church now?” I said.

“It sure as hell isn’t Minister Matthew.

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